14 February 2013

Stop Trying: A Valentine Post

Valentine's Day almost got cancelled last night. In a moment of hurt, anger, and above all else tiredness, I spat at Logan "Well then let's just forget Valentines Day tomorrow. I mean honestly, what's the point?". Thankfully, Logan never chooses to take me seriously when I'm yelling. He told me "We're not going to cancel Valentine's Day tomorrow just because we aren't getting along tonight" and that was that. It is moments like these that remind me why he is the man that I'm going to marry. He is my lighthouse, the only thing guiding me home in a storm. It is truly his faith in our relationship that has gotten us through these past four years. Where I tend to cave under certain pressures, he is strong enough to brace against the onslaught and shelter us both. So Valentine's Day will occur this evening, and it will include homemade pizza dough and fresh ingredients, all prepared with love on the pizza stone and paddle Logan gave me last year on this very same day. Which brings me to the point of this post:

Stop Trying. I seriously need to get that tattooed on each of my wrists so that when I'm in Whole Foods after a full day of work, burnt out and exhausted, hair in a messy pony tail with my bangs wildly bobby pinned to the side of my head, I will not buy active dry yeast and instead will march myself to the refrigerate section and grab the premade cornmeal pizza dough. Because I will have learned that as soon as I get home and proudly announce that I will be making pizza dough from scratch in honor of Valentines Day, my lovely Valentine will respond, "Why didn't you just buy the premade dough? Wouldn't that be easier?". F!&#%&(@!

If I had Stop Trying tattooed on my wrists, I would not have made Logan turkey soup from scratch for the past two days, carefully pulling the breast apart between my fingers into bite sized pieces one by one. Instead, I would have just dumped Campbell's into a bowl, popped it in the microwave, and served it to him in my cutest lingerie because apparently THAT is what would truly make him feel better. Apparently, my homemade soup is something I should be making my mom (direct quote).

If I had Stop Trying tattooed on my wrists, I likely would have come home earlier, gotten more sleep, and not made the awful suggestion that we should just cancel Valentine's Day. In fact, had I stopped trying so damn hard, I probably would've had time to go the Walgreen's after work and pick out a card. Instead, I have to do that today during the mad holiday rush.

To clarify, this post in no way suggests to give up on all efforts to doing something nice or extra special for those around you. Just make sure that when you do something for someone else, it's solely with that person in mind. If I had been more honest with myself and just stopped trying so damn hard, I would've known that Logan could care less where the dough came from. Also, the time I spent making homemade soup would've been better spent cuddling with him on the couch, watching Caddyshack, because that was all he asked of me and I refused. I had better things to do, more important things to do. But as I sit here typing this post, I realize that I missed out on the most important thing: spending time with someone you love.

So Happy Valentines Day to You and Yours. No matter how you choose to spend it, just remember, all your Valentine wants is you. And and maybe an orgasm or two ;)


01 January 2013

"This is Your Year"

You know what I love most about blogs? They are time capsules. These simple posts and pictures illuminate the lives of both writer and reader. I was reading this post this morning and I was smiling to myself as I too recalled the highlight's of Kelle's year. I had moments of, "oh yes, that's right! Aw, I remember that photo". Even though I was not there personally there to share in her greatest moments of 2012, I still could share her joy. So I thought to myself, how many moments of my life have I lost to the dusty, unorganized shelves of my mind? How soon will I forget the laughter, the tears, the joy and the fear. How much of 2012 will be lost? So I must write. I must share. I want to look back and smile at the moments saved within my time capsule.

As I wished my father a happy new year this morning, he said to me "Happy New Year, and what a great year it will be. This is your year".  It is a moment like that I never want to forget.

30 July 2012

The Dress

I said yes.. to the dress that is! Seriously, you have no idea how long I've been waiting to say that. Or maybe you've watched that show from episode 1 and if that's the case, you understand where I'm coming from. A mere 19 days after my engagement I have purchased my wedding dress. Now, some individuals may have mixed feelings about purchasing a dress so soon, and to be completely honest, so did I. However, as I stood on the podium in front of the grand mirror, I realized it was time to grow a pair and have a little faith. Here's how I made the decision:

Know and Accept Your Budget. If you are the 1% of brides without a dress budget, skip this part. If you are like the rest of us, you have a dress budget. In one brief moment of sanity, you realized that you can only afford to spend a certain amount of dollars on an item you will likely only wear once. Going over budget on your dress could mean going low quality on equally important parts of your wedding, such as food, music, or photography. When you are surrounded by fabric, beading, glitter, and a seemingly endless supply of wedding dresses, it is easy to loose a sense of reality. However, I guarantee reality will slap you in the face when the extra thousand dollars you spent on your dress means you have to eliminate wedding guests simply because cannot afford them. "I know you wanted to come to the wedding, and I really wanted you there as well seeing as we've been friends for over 15 years, but I decided that silk organza and swarovski crystals are far more important to me". A wedding is a time of celebration, not regret. So stay realistic, stick to your budget, and you will have no regrets.

Appreciate Variety. When asked what kind of dress I was looking for, I honestly responded with "I'm open to pretty much anything". Had I looked through hundreds of wedding dresses online for the past two years and got a certain feeling for what I thought I would like? Yes. I envisioned myself in full lace, likely sheath or a slight mermaid. However, I committed myself to being open to dresses outside of my vision. In all aspects of my life, I tend to limit myself and I decided that if I'm going to do this once, there would be no limits (other than budget). So I tried on ball gowns, a-lines, modified a-lines, fit n flares, mermaids, sheaths. I tried on silk, satin, organza, tulle, lots of beading, no beading, sashes, no sashes. I tried on any dress that I thought was beautiful so that at the end of the dress journey, I could feel certain that I wasn't missing out on anything. All in all, I tried on approximately 24 dresses in total.

Keep a Small Entourage. I always knew who I would invite to go wedding dress shopping: My mother and my best friend. That's it. Could I have invited my sisters, my grandmother, my future mother in-law, my four other best friends? Yes, of course I could have. But I didn't and in fact, I didn't even tell any of them I was looking. My reason is that an open invitation to accompany you while dress shopping is also an open invitation for opinions. Your wedding dress entourage needs to keep one person in mind: You. This is not about what they would wear to their own wedding, nor is it about what they envision you wearing to yours. Their job is simply to be supportive and honestly respond if a dress isn't flattering. That is IT. I have enough trouble convincing myself I like something, let alone convincing nine other people to like it just as much. I knew that my mom and my best friend would be honest and would make suggestions that I may not have thought of myself. I also knew that if I didn't like something they suggested, I could tell them without worrying about hurting their feelings. The only opinion that truly matters in regards to your wedding dress is your own. You will be the one wearing it all day. You will be the one looking at it in pictures for the rest of your life. Make sure you're the person in love with it, and not someone else.

You Don't Have to Cry. I thought for sure I would be one of those women who would burst into tears as soon as an attendant laid the veil on my head and I saw myself for the first time as a real bride. But you know what, I didn't shed any tears. Not one. Which resulted in me refusing to agree to purchase the dress that I knew I loved. I stood there thinking, why am I not crying? Aren't I supposed to be crying? Shouldn't I have some sort of out of body experience where confetti falls from the ceiling, quoir angels sing, and I have this strange glow all around me??? This must not be the dress. I've tried on twenty four dresses and I know I love this the most out of all them (I truly liked them all), but if I'm not crying I must not be done shopping... Luckily, I then proceeded to emotionally slap myself in the face because guess what, my life is not a TV show. If I said no to twenty or so dresses prior to this one, what is the point of trying on another twenty four? Eventually there comes a time when you just have to admit to yourself that the search has ended and as much fun as it is, tears or no tears, you have to pick a dress.

I am so gosh darned excited about my dress, words just can't even express it. I have a feeling I will totally ball my eyes out when I actually see my dress on the day of my wedding. There it will be in all of its tulle, lace, and beaded glory. Yup, that's right, I went for a trifecta.

Happy shopping to you!!

16 July 2012

The Hunt

And so it begins... The hunt for a wedding venue. My mother and I have been lost within the wild jungle of the internet for six days hunting our prey. The perfect wedding venue is a wild, everchanging animal and nailing one down has proved more difficult than I had anticipated.

For example, I became engaged on July 3rd. I knew I wanted my wedding to be on July 5th, 2013 because that is Logan and I's fifth anniversary. This was 367 days away, so securing my date shouldn't have been an issue. But wouldn't you know it, some maniac brides out there have already secured that day! More than 367 DAYS IN ADVANCE. Now, according to my fiance, I am already a fairly obessesive bride, but what's with these people???

Wedding venues are mutha-F-ing expensive. Especially when you live in a local called "the wine country". Apparently, if you've got a few rows of grape vines, an old house and/or barn that is falling apart, and a giant oak tree, it is totally realistic to charge $10,000 or more for a six hour use of your property. ARE THESE PEOPLE HIGH? And why the hell are so many people missing the boat on this wedding gig? I am seriously considering buying a piece of property, building a barn, and hosting weddings because there is money to be made here people! But I digress...

If they don't get you with the wedding venue, they are sure to have you by the balls when it comes to the catering. No outside caterers are allowed, some places will force you to eat their crappy food. I've seen venues estimate of anywhere from $65-$85 per person for catering, not including alcohol. I've seen service charges of 18-23%, just for the hell of it. I've seen catering MINIMUMS start at $15,000, and that was the lowest end of the spectrum!

Time and noise limits... Oh, how I loathe these. When I think of my ideal wedding, I do not envision an afternoon brunch in which family and friends soberly declare their love and happiness for Logan and I's union. HELL. NO. I'm hoping for some fantastic speeches, fueled by love, passion, and above all else, Jack Daniels. Those are speeches from the heart. Alcohol has a way of cutting the crap and getting to the core of what a person is feeling, mostly because that person may not be able to stand unassisted for much longer. Bring on the slurs, perhaps the embarrassing story that I myself am too drunk to care about. And what better time for these beautiful speeches than the classic drinking time, the Night Time. But, "wine country" venues don't particularly care for the late night crowd. Especially a late night crowd with a band. "We'd like you out by 7:00pm, 9:00pm". "We don't allow DJs, or live music, unless it is an acoustic performance or perhaps a harpist". Because lord knows, the best weddings are those in which the live music can barely be heard by my guests sitting a mere 10 feet away, and the best parties end just as the early birds are showing up to the bars.... Right.

Location, location, location. It is the foundation of your wedding, a backdrop to set the tone. I've witnessed beautiful, potential wedding locations be destroyed by the installation of hideous green carpeting; stained; yellow velour chairs provided as the only available ceremony seating; dance floors placed in the middle of rooms that could otherwise have very well been your aunt's living room or your elementary school classroom.

At the end of the day, thank god for the internet. Without it, I would've spent god knows how many weekends visiting dozens of wedding venues that in the end I would've said no to. Instead, I got to explore from the comfort of my own home and narrow down six locations worth seeing. The true hunt begins...

04 July 2012


As I sit here writing this first blog entry, I see the faint glittering of a diamond on my left hand. I became engaged last night. Just as the fireworks approached their final climatic moment, I saw Logan's hand reach down and place a jewelry box my chest. And in that instant, everything stopped. It is so very rare in life that you can actually capture the exact moment when everything changed, and yet, was exactly the same. The feeling is at once magnificent and yet absolutely terrifying.

"I have something for you. Will you marry me?"

I had no idea what to do in that moment, other than laugh. Laughter is a response that can carry you through anything. So I laughed, and then hid under the blanket that had been keeping me warm as I laid beneath the giant sky filled with smoke and color. There was even a full moon that I earlier had the honor of watching slowly rise above the eastern hills. Giant and yellow, it made its way across the sky as it has always done and will always do for my lifetime.

There I sat, hidden under my blanket for the briefest of moments while the voice inside my head shrieked "You need to say YES!"

"Yes! Oh my god, Yes!"

I said yes and forever altered the next course of my life.  "Oh my god. Oh MY GOD. Do my parents know?? Does everyone know!?"

I looked at my parents to see that they were still watching the fireworks, oblivious to the monumental moment that was occurring just five feet away. So I jumped to my knees and began yelling "I'm Engaged!!" The first person to take it in was Lynn, sitting on the lawn chair in behind me. She practically fell on top of me as she gave me the happiest of hugs. I hugged my parents, Logan's mom. I teared up as she welcomed me into her family saying "I am so lucky to have you." I felt equally lucky to have her in my life.

Confusion and fear set in as I realized my life has made a shift. It was suddenly different and yet I wanted it to be exactly the same as it was before. I don't know what to say to my friends and family when they congratulate me because my feelings are so raw right now. The engagement was an incredible, beautiful, unimaginably scary moment. 

I am so disappointed in my choice of engagement attire: $10 grey/black skinny jeans and a Harley Davidson sweatshirt i bought when I was a sophomore in high school. My makeup was a day old and smeared. But you know what, That's me. I'm still here, changing, but still here.